Un-Expecting

awkwardisawesome: Thanks to @theupperlip for sending this my...

Mon, 19 Oct 2009 10:15:47 -0400

Thanks to @theupperlip for sending this my way. He was right.

Sex & Money = Prostitution?

Fri, 08 May 2009 21:17:19 -0400

I recently got a comment on my post about whether or not women should ask their partners to contribute to the cost of prescription birth control (and how many do or don’t). I really found what the commenter had to say as interesting as I’d never really heard the conversation about birth control discussed within this context:

“I really believe that most women feel uncomfortable talking to their partners about paying for the cost of birth control because 1) girls are taught that conversations about money and sex equals prostitution and 2) girls are never taught how to demand for equal pay or money in general. Too often we have been conditioned to persuade, not ask (or demand) and to barter (share) our things. If there’s ever a good person to practice on for asking, sharing concerns and talking about equality, it’s your partner who already likes you and respects you.”

The part that struck me most was the idea that many women subconsciously equate conversations about sex and money with prostitution. The idea of a “golddigger” or “kept woman” is a clear example of this. As are many of the criticisms of the women on the shows like “The Real Housewives.”

I admit that while I secretly like the idea of having a husband who could take care of me while I stay at home, in reality, I sometimes even take a bit of offense when my boyfriend offers to pay for things or implies that I got something that I wouldn’t have if he hadn’t bought it for me. Recently I splurged on a pair of $400 heels that I’d been wanting for months. He had offered to buy them for me, but for some reason I was insistent on buying them for myself. There was a sense of pride about it.

Afterwards I was wondering why it was that I was so insistent on buying them for myself. His gift was not going to be an exchange for anything. It was a gift he wanted to buy out of love for me. In fact, he offered to get it for our anniversary, but I still bristled a bit at the thought. Almost as if they would not have been worth as much if he paid for them than if I had.

"When I was pregnant..."

Thu, 02 Apr 2009 19:21:00 -0400

We found out a coworker is pregnant today. A few of us had privately been suspecting it for a couple weeks as we saw the outward signs—tiredness where she had previously been peppy, turning down drinks at happy hours, and a few extra pounds around the middle and chest. Finally the ballsiest of the girls went over and gently asked (using the alcohol, not the weight as the reason) and she confessed, admitting that she’d been wanting to tell but couldn’t find an appropriate time to bring it up.

Naturally we all got excited and that warm feeling spread about the office. She started talking about the past few months and her symptoms and morning sickness, and I kept getting the urge to say “Oh…I know!” Of course I couldn’t, because none of them know that I was pregnant for a few weeks, and it definitely wasn’t the right time to say “just before my abortion…”

It was a bit of an odd feeling though. It brought me back to the moments when I was pregnant and wished that I could talk about all the insane symptoms and hormones with my corworkers and friends. Because even though my situation is totally different, I DO know what it’s like and would love to be able to share my crazy and funny hormone and morning sickness stories. I’d love to be able to tell her about the time I had to discreetly puke into an Express shopping bag in the back of a taxi cab, or the way my boobs got so huge that I could barely zip my Christmas cocktail party dress up even though I bought it just two days earlier. I want to talk about the crankiness and the mood swings and the frantic bathroom runs I made 50 times a day. These are the kinds of stories that women bond over, and I’d really like to be able to share these with her.

Does your boyfriend/husband help pay for your birth control?

Wed, 01 Apr 2009 20:36:00 -0400

My last post about the cost of prescription birth control (especially ones like NuvaRing that don’t have generic alternatives) reminded me of another important issue: Does your partner help pay the cost of your birth control medication?

My boyfriend recently started offering to cover half the costs, and we’ve added it to the other bills we split each month (like rent and cable). This has helped a lot since I switched from a $10 a month generic pill to the $50 a month NuvaRing.

I don’t know if this is actually all that common—perhaps just because women don’t think to ask—but it really seems logical, doesn’t it? It’s kind of ironic that men are required to provide for the children the make and that they are often called upon to help cover the costs of an abortion, but that there doesn’t seem to be any financial onus to help cover the (often very high!) costs of reliable prescription birth control. This also includes the medical appointments necessary to obtain such prescriptions.

Honestly, I think it makes sense. You might be taking the one taking the medication, but it’s BOTH of you who are benefiting. I would love to know how other couples handle this!

More birth control irony

Wed, 01 Apr 2009 20:30:00 -0400

I guess it’s not just me that struggles with the libido while on the NuvaRing. It’s incredibly frustrating for someone like me who is in a relationship, because it makes me feel a little bit useless in bed. I’ve found that it really takes a lot of effort on his part to get me interested and keep me focused…almost like he has to talk me through it in order to get me “in the mood.”

We talked about possibly stopping the ring and switching to condoms or back on the pill, but I honestly don’t trust them. Especially after having gotten pregnant while on the pill, and I also don’t trust the human error element of condom use. The Ring is the only thing that has kept me feeling secure since I started using it. I’m going to try and wait it out a bit longer; perhaps things will even up after a few more months once my body has had time to regulate.

One commenter mentioned the expense of the NuvaRing, and I have to say that’s something that I’ve also been concerned with. It’s pretty nuts that even WITH insurance, my birth control costs more each month than the copay for my abortion. I mean seriously! How ironic is that? If the former were more affordable and accessible, then the abortions would become less and less necessary. One girl noted how she had to skip her NuvaRing this month because she couldn’t afford it. Last month, I came close to putting my ring in three days late because I was waiting for payday. Fortunately, my boyfriend gave me the money to buy it so that I could put it in on time, but it’s a really silly thing to have to worry about. I’m 26 and I’ve already turned into one of those cranky little old ladies you see in political ads around election time, all worried about how to pay for their prescription drug coverage.

Libido & the NuvaRing

Wed, 11 Mar 2009 14:21:18 -0400

I’ve been having misgivings about the NuvaRing lately. I can’t be exactly sure, but I suspect it’s affected my sex drive. Ever since I started using it, it’s like a switch has been turned down. Not off, exactly, but definitely very low. I don’t think about sex as much as I used to. I don’t really think about it much at all.

On the occasions that we do start to get into it, I find that I’m easily distracted. I’m ticklish, i have a thousand things on my mind, my body doesn’t seem to respond. Otherwise, my boyfriend and I are fantastic. I find him incredibly attractive and we get along really well. We cuddle a lot and kiss, but taking it farther seems to not flow as smoothly as it used to.

The interesting part is that when I remove the ring (for a week each month while I get my period) I find things start to change. After a couple days without it, usually around the same time my period starts, I’m suddenly feeling normal again. I wake him up in the middle of the night and I have dreams about it.

This all leads me to suspect that perhaps it’s the birth control. Has anyone else on the Ring experienced this? I haven’t found anything conclusive during my online searches, but would love to hear from other girls who’ve noticed the same thing.

I found myself wryly wondering the other day if perhaps this numbed libido is the reason WHY the NuvaRing is so effective at preventing pregnancy…

Been there, done that

Sun, 01 Mar 2009 22:35:40 -0500

The appointment came and went. I spent more time in the waiting room than in the actual office. During my history I mentioned the abortion and the doctor just nodded and asked for the date and moved on to the next question. She did the exam and told me to be careful with the NuvaRing—never to leave it in too long or to forget to remove it since “we know your body likes to be pregnant.” And that was that.

She called a week later to say my test results came back and all is normal. So that was that—really rather uneventful.

Things are otherwise great. I sometimes wonder if the experience brought my boyfriend closer together because it put us in a position to discuss things that we perhaps otherwise would not have. We’re at the point where we can both laugh when I make “when I was pregnant” jokes. I also like the way that I laugh at a whole new set of jokes on television now. I’ve recently become a fan of the show Private Practice, where they are always dealing with pregnancy storylines and I find that I understand them now in a way I never could have before. It’s like I’ve been let into a secret little club where I can kind of giggle under my breath when the characters on TV puke into their purses or get up to run and go pee. “I’ve been there!” I think. “I’ve done that!”

Just Normal

Fri, 13 Feb 2009 22:53:04 -0500

I don’t really think about it that much. It doesn’t pop up in my head every day or even every week. I actually had to stop just now to think how long ago it had been (nearly two months). I’ve been feeling great for about a month—no cramps, no bleeding, no pain, hormones under control, no soreness during sex. I don’t think about it anymore than I would had it been any other event. It feels—most significantly I think—normal. It feels normal. Not spectacular, just normal.

Next week I have a Gyno appointment with a new doctor. Just a routine exam, but I’ll of course have to mention the abortion, just like I’ll have to mention it at every other doctor’s appointment for the rest of my life. But I don’t really find that any less awkward than mentioning how many sex partners I’ve had or dropping my skirt and opening my legs for a woman I’ve never met (or a woman period, for that matter).

The point of this is really just what I’ve been saying all along, it seems. This whole thing (she says with a wave of her hand) is just a normal medical thing that happened and wasn’t ideal and not always easy, but which has since slipped by along with all the other things that happen and slip on by while time and life continue to pass.

If you’re waiting for your turn right now, don’t fret. Soon enough it will all be normal again.

One out of three women has an abortion in her lifetime.

Wed, 28 Jan 2009 23:45:05 -0500

One out of three women has an abortion in her lifetime.:

Another fantastic blog by a woman going through a second trimester abortion. Amazing how more and more voices keep piping up. It shouldn’t have to be a big secret, folks.

The Ring

Tue, 06 Jan 2009 15:03:10 -0500

Popped the ring out today. It was really easy. I actually started bleeding a bit (more like spotting) a couple days ago and I’m not sure if it’s an early period or still leftover from the abortion. I went a full week or so without bleeding before this. There is no cramping along with the bleeding and though I’ve been wearing a thin pad I really only notice it when I wipe. Am interested in seeing how this first period after the procedure and while on the ring goes. It should start in a couple days.

The beat goes on

Fri, 02 Jan 2009 18:40:38 -0500

It’s cool to know that there are still people reading. Have been feeling great this week and our sex life has also gotten back to normal, which is *especially* nice. Although I’ve noticed that I still feel a tiny bit of discomfort if my boyfriend goes in a bit too deep. Not sure why that is. Has anyone else who has recently had an abortion experienced that two + weeks after? I wonder if it has anything to do with the placement of the NuvaRing or with residual tenderness from the operation. Boyfriend says he can definitely feel the NuvaRing in place, but that it’s not a bad thing. “Just an extra ridge,” he added. It hasn’t popped out yet although I do make a point of checking on it every night. A bit paranoid that it will escape and get lost in my sheets without my noticing.

On New Year’s Eve, we lay in bed talking about things that we’re looking forward to this year and boyfriend joked that “not knocking me up” was high on his list. Not in 2009, anyway!

Oh gosh and the emotions are still a little iffy. It’s pretty nutty, actually. I had another attack of tears and sadness a few days ago that I can only blame on the leftover hormones. It all started in the middle of the night when I woke up and started tossing and turning and thinking about my life. I couldn’t sleep so I got up and sat on the side of the tub for a few minutes until boyfriend came to see what I was up to and bring me back to bed. I fell asleep eventually and then woke up incredibly sad. Boyfriend cuddled and asked me what was wrong and I just lay there crying quietly. He refused to leave for work until I was better so we both lay for a bit until I told him I was fine. I fell back asleep and when I woke up I felt completely better although I was a little confused about the incident. It’s pretty incredible how our hormones can really control our actions and emotions. I think one amazing thing about this pregnancy and abortion is that it has made me incredibly aware of my body and it’s subtle and constant changes. I’m really thankful for that because I think all women should be this in tune with themselves.

Next week (on Monday), we’re starting a one-week detox plan to recharge our systems and start the year off right. I’m cutting out all flour, wheat, sugar, processed foods, meats, and a few other things. I’ll probably blog about it as I go and keep you posted on the progress and results. I think this is a great way to clear out some of the havoc the pregnancy/cravings/hormones/and holidays did to my system. I can’t wait to start!

Happy New Year

Wed, 31 Dec 2008 16:20:24 -0500

Happy New Year ladies. Thank you all so much for your support, advice, and love in the past month. I hope that I can offer the same to those who may need it over the coming year.

xoxo

Two Weeks Later

Mon, 29 Dec 2008 09:10:49 -0500

It’s been two weeks since my abortion and I’m feeling back to normal. The cramps went away completely about four days ago (just in time for Christmas!) and I stopped bleeding right around the same time. My boyfriend and I had sex again for the first time in more than three weeks on Saturday night and it was great ( a little under two weeks after the procedure, which is what my doctor told me) , although I was a little sore afterwards. The next day we tried it again, but it didn’t go well at all. I was very sore although there was no bleeding and I was feeling fine by the time I woke up. I’m not sure if this is related to the procedure or if it has more to do with the fact that it’s been so long. I think it’s probably the latter, but either way I think we’re going to wait another couple days before trying it again.

My pregnancy symptoms have all basically disappeared, although I noticed that I had a bit of an emotional blowout the other night. I can’t even remember the circumstances specifically, but I think it had something to do with my boyfriend wanting to put away his clothing and take out his contacts before jumping in bed with me. For some reason it felt like the most awful rejection at the time and so I announced that the ‘window was closed’ and I curled up and went to bed. When he tried curling up next to me a few minutes later, I refused to let him touch me for a full hour during which I spent the whole time silently crying into my pillow, and wondering why he didn’t want me like I wanted him. I’m going to chalk that one up to residual hormones because it is definitely NOT typical behavior for me.

My cravings haven’t gone away either. For some reason all I ever want to eat is chocolate and sweet things. I’m trying to regulate my diet again and think a mild cleansing detox might be just the thing to get me back on track. I started today with a tall glass of water and lemon juice, followed by a smoothie made from one pear, two cups of almond milk, a big scoop of sugar free whey protein powder, and 1 heaping tablespoon of ground flaxseed. I’m just going meal by meal here in an attempt to not overwhelm myself and to try to clean out all that excess sugar and white flour I consumed during the past couple months.

The Nuvaring has also been in for two weeks now and I’m still quite happy with it. No side effects and I can’t even feel it. Not having to take a pill every day is all kinds of wonderful. I’m excited to be able to start this new year fresh with my boyfriend. We have a vacation planned for Feb and it’s given me something great to look forward to (also a goal for dropping some of the extra pregnancy pounds). I’m going to continue to update here as regularly as possible and especially if I have any interesting symptoms or physical developments. Please also feel free to email me or comment with any questions you may have. I’m happy to offer advice if you want from someone else who went through the same thing.

One Week Later

Mon, 22 Dec 2008 15:18:29 -0500

It’s been exactly one week (almost to the minute) and I’m still doing really well. The serious cramping started up on Friday and hasn’t let up. In fact, last night was probably the worst all week. Today it’s still cramping, but not as bad as yesterday. The bleeding is about the same as a normal period, except that since I can only use pads it’s a lot more uncomfortable as I always feel a bit “drippy.” I’ve been controlling the cramps with Tylenol and my wonderful strap-on heating pad.

**Note: If you’re squeamish about bathroom things, you might want to skip this next paragraph.**

So all throughout my short pregnancy, I suffered from a rather uncomfortable bout of constipation. Apparently this is very common among pregnant women as a lot of our internal organs slow down in order to make prepare for the incoming baby. It’s almost as if production switches over to baby mode and all other functions—including the digestive ones—are slowed down. For those of you familiar with the NYC subway line, it’s like my intestines started running on the weekend and holiday schedule. Anyway, I’m guessing the drop in pregnancy hormones has kicked everything back into gear and suddenly it was like “this train is now running express next stop 207th street.” So…that’s annoying!

My first week of NuvaRing is also over and I’m quite happy with it. I usually get weird side effects the first couple months on the pill, but not with the ring. We won’t actually be able to ..ahem.. put it to use for another week, but I’m looking forward to that. Boyfriend actually murmered in my ear the other morning that he can’t wait until we “start having sex again,” so I guess that means this whole experience hasn’t made him gun shy or anything…

Better!

Sat, 20 Dec 2008 00:59:20 -0500

Feeling a lot better now. I took a nap with the heating pad and some advil and it seems to have passed for now. I even had time to do a bunch of prep for the party tomorrow. Definitely feeling in better spirits and looking forward to a busy (but fun) day tomorrow!

Ughhh

Fri, 19 Dec 2008 19:05:15 -0500

Screw the “uterine massage.” I’m downing Advil.

"A woman has strengths that amaze me, she can handle trouble and carry heavy burdens, she holds..."

Fri, 19 Dec 2008 18:54:20 -0500

“A woman has strengths that amaze me, she can handle trouble and carry heavy burdens, she holds happiness, love and opinions, she smiles when she feels like screaming, she sings when she feels like crying, cries when shes happy, and laughs when shes afraid, her love is unconditional, there’s only one thing wrong with her and that is that sometimes she forgets what she is worth.”

- Unknown (via overflowing) (via frannyandzooey) (via singlescoop)

More Uterus Updates

Fri, 19 Dec 2008 18:43:06 -0500

So I’m starting to think that scheduling the abortion and the cocktail party five days apart was maybe not a brilliant idea. I would have loved another week to recover a bit and to maybe shed some of this water weight. My googling has shown that the cramping is just from my uterus going back to it’s normal un-pregnant size. I read about a “uterine massage” online that can help this along and which I might try out a bit. I’m apparently supposed to do the following:

“Uterine massage can help decrease cramping. To perform uterine massage, use the heel of your hand and push inward firmly on your abdomen while rubbing in a downward motion, from your navel to your pubic hair line. The purpose of uterine massage is to stimulate your uterus to contract back to it’s pre-pregnant size, thus causing bleeding and possibly clots, which your body needs to pass to stop the cramping.”

Blast...

Fri, 19 Dec 2008 14:17:06 -0500

Just when I thought I’d hit some kind of recovery jackpot, I got hit with a dose of bad cramps today. Still not as awful as my usual period cramps, but strong and persistent enough that I can’t just ignore them. I popped 500mg of maximum strength Midol (it was the only thing I had sitting on my desk at work) and am hoping that it’ll kick in quickly. The bleeding is still all but nonexistent, which is wonderful. I’ve basically only had that kind of darkish spotting like you usually get at the very, very tippy end of a regular period where it’s only visible when you wipe.

I’m hoping the cramps won’t get much stronger than this. I’m hosting a big cocktail party tomorrow night and have a LOT of cooking to do. I’m making ten different kinds of canapes and though I’ve already started a lot of the prep work and will have help from my boyfriend, I expect to be on my feet for a substantial amount of time starting tonight until the end of the party. Fingers crossed that the ol’ bod will be able to handle it.

Is this normal?

Thu, 18 Dec 2008 17:53:05 -0500

It’s been three days since the abortion and I *still* have to pee all the time. If I wait even a minute, I start to get dizzy and the urgency is way too much. In the mornings, I take off running for the bathroom the second I wake up. Is this normal? Do I still just have too much HCG in my system? Because I think that this is probably one of the most annoying pregnancy symptoms ever and am definitely ready to wave it good-bye.